“It’s scary”

Not to start out with a crazy post for the new year or anything. I’ve just come to realize, with the holiday break coming to an end in 14 hours or so (well if you tack on sleep it will be more like 20), time is whizzing by at an incredibly fast speed.  Even though we did pretty much NOTHING over the break. Other than hang around the house, with the occasional outing to the mall, the movies -usual stuff. When I took my daughter to the Science center for the day she said, “Finally we’re doing something after over a week in the house!!!”

So how did it just whip by? And how did I let it?

The one thing that has become crystal clear to me during this episode of “staying home with the kids part deux” is that as much as the kids really need me, I most certainly need them. They don’t define all of me, but they sure are a large chunk of my identity.  How could they not be?  The tremendous efforts we (and I in particular -oh those injections -oof) made through the years to realize our dream of having a family were beyond worth it.  It’s nothing like the holidays and the simple conversations we’ve had with the kids, seeing them develop even within the last two weeks of nothingness, to highlight the scariest fact.

They are growing up. 

Last week, my son had surgery to remove a couple of wisdom teeth and was only comfortable with it if we guaranteed sedation for him.  Which of course we did. How else would his sister get hilarious video footage of him to share out on social media in order for us to make millions?  She waited patiently for 90 minutes and then filmed him  on the ride home.  Some of it was hilarious:

– the boy was really hankering for a McD’s strawberry milkshake post surgery and started crying when he remembered a precious drive thru fail to get an Oreo McFlurry. (“Who breaks the ice cream machine, waaaaah!) “Give me the chicken nuggets dude!” Whaaa?

-he was critical of a moving truck that passed through the intersection as he waited at the red light. “What kind of driving is that, why is it so slow ?”as he read the side of the truck  “Kinnngssssswaaaaay”. 

Not anything worth millions but endearing nonetheless. 

There were off camera moments as well. Apparently during  the prep, he told the technician ” I love my mom and dad.  They are so awesome”.

And then later, “I don’t want to grow up. It’s scary”. The truth. 

My heart. 

The bravado, the confidence in my 16 year old is in the day to day. When he is sedated with truth serum, more of his worry wart mama comes out. It is scary.  Lots of decisions to be made this year about what to do in life.  We are a year away from having to make choices about schools, programs, what he wants to be when he grows up. How can he know that now? How can he know what his passion is? His middle aged mom is in her own process as she writes this.

I’m loving being here to see the minutiae of their daily life. They are already different than at the start the summer when I began my break. My son is a certified national life guard and has started driving lessons.  My daughter has discovered facial masks, eyeliner, Urban Outfitters and shopping malls. 

The American Girl dolls are in semi-permanent hibernation. Thomas the Tank and friends are in a basement storage bin.

I am still committed to embracing 2017 and the changes it will bring.  I just forgot that as the kids continue to grow up they are slowly but surely moving away from me.  And while rewarding, it will always remain at least a little frightening.

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